Raoul, the Magical Fop
by Umiko
Summary: Um...the title sums it up nicely ^_^;; Complete silliness in which Raoul *gasp* will end up with Christine, eventually
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom  
Notes: This is a parody and not to be taken seriously. Along with POTO, this is also mock the magical girl or mahou shoujo anime genre. Don't get mad! This is all for fun and is meant to be mindless silliness! :)  
  
"Raoul, the Magical Fop"  
  
Event 1: Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny, discovers that he is, in fact, a fop, and a magical one, at that  
  
I trudged through the Opera, disoriented. It couldn't be true...it just couldn't be! Christine, my friend, sweet, innocent little Christine Daaé, had been talking to a man, alone in her dressing room! And that base scoundrel had demanded that she love him! It was horrible beyond words. I couldn't bear the thought that the girl I had known in my childhood had been corrupted so!   
When I walked out onto the street I felt cold rain hit me face. I didn't care; the weather suited my melancholy mood. I was beginning to feel a bit indignant about the whole incident. I was so angry and distraught, in fact, that I forgot I had a carriage to take me home.  
Well I wandered the streets of Paris in my misery, I accidentally stepped on the tail of a drenched kitten. The little creature shrieked.   
"Oh, I'm sorry..." I stopped in the middle of my apology; after all, it was only a stray cat.   
The little feline looked at me quizzically, and on impulse, I scooped it up and placed in under my coat for protection.   
  
I arrived home in the early hours of morning. I wrapped the kitten in a blanket and changed out of my wet clothes. I then went and fetched it a bowl of water.  
"You'll have to wait until morning for milk," I informed the cat. "So, do you have a name?"  
"Julpe," it responded.  
I nearly fell off my bed. "What? Did---did you just talk?" I demanded, frantic. No, of course it didn't! Cats don't talk!  
"Julpe," it repeated.   
"...Julpe?"  
"Yes, Julpe. And you kept me waiting, Monsieur! Why were you dawdling at the Opera?"  
"You...are a talking cat," I said dumbly.   
"I thought we had already cleared that up? Now answer my question."  
"I...Christine, my childhood friend, was talking with a man in her dressing room!"  
"How perfectly awful!" the kitten exclaimed melodramatically.   
"It's just so unlike her...the Christine I knew would never stand for such a thing!"  
"As no respectable lady would! There must be something else going on. I can help you discover what."  
"You can? But, you're...a cat."  
"What do you have against cats?" little Julpe demanded.  
"Nothing! It's just-" She glared at me. "Never mind."  
"Monsieur, you have a destiny! And I'm going to lead you to it!"  
"I do? How odd. I never felt I was destined for anything."  
"Well, you are! You're going to be a prince!"  
"What?"  
"Well, not an actual 'prince,' but a figurative prince. You know...saving the damsel in distress and the like."  
"You mean Christine?"  
"Yes. The thing is, without me, you'll screw up royally, if you'll pardon the expression. Also, you can't just be a prince-you have to work your way up."  
"Work my way up from what?" I asked suspiciously.  
"A fop," Julpe said simply.  
"A fop?" I cried in dismay.  
"Yes. You see, your sweet mademoiselle fell innocently in love with your boyish charms. If you want to save her AND win her affections, you must be foppish, because she is still child-like. If you're too mature, you'll scare her off!"  
"And...who is my rival?"  
"I'm...uh...I'll tell you when it is necessary."  
"I'm not actually going to have to fight anyone, am I?"  
"Um, er...of course not! And with my instructions, you're guaranteed to win the heart of Mademoiselle Daaé!"  
"How do you know so much?" I asked the kitten.  
"I am a magical cat, and I shall be training you to be a magical fop!"  
"I confess, I have...misgivings about this. Maybe Christine really doesn't want anything to do with me and I should left her make her own decisions and not interfere."  
"That's ridiculous! Now, you get some sleep. I have work to do."  
"You won't talk around anyone else, will you? Especially my brother. If he finds out a magical cat is teaching me how to be a fop..."  
"I'm merely refining skills you already possess!"  
I blinked. "Oh." 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N and disclaimers: Again, poor Raoul is trapped in the magical girl anime genre. According to Jim Breen's Japanese-English dictionary, "shouremono" means fop. Also, I don't own POTO *sniff*  
  
  
  
Event 2: Raoul learns the basics of being a magical fop.  
  
"Here you go," I said, placing a bowl of milk before Julpe.  
The kitten glared at me.  
"What did I do wrong now?"  
"I am a vegetarian. Do you have an tomatoes?"  
"You're a cat!"  
"No animal products! Don't you realize how repressed we are? I'm one of a very few who can communicate with you imbeciles...How would you like to be devoured by dumb, furless primates?"  
"You're a cat!" I repeated.  
"Do you want my help or not? Then get me my tomato!"  
I scowled, but obeyed. Stupid cat.  
  
While Julpe munched on the fruit, I asked, "So...what do I have to learn."  
"Well, first of all," Julpe explained, wiping tomato goo from her tiny mouth with a paw, "you need this." She balanced on her hind legs and produced a heart-shaped pocket watch with a *poof*  
I blinked. "Um...isn't that...a bit feminine?"  
"You're training to be a magical fop!"   
"I'm beginning to have misgivings about this..." I grumbled.  
"Now, hold it up and shout 'shouremono yo!'"  
"What?" I demanded.  
Julpe sighed. "Shouremono yo."  
"Sho-what?"  
"Shouremono yo."  
"S-shouremono yo," I mumbled. I suddenly felt like a large heavy object had slammed into my chest.   
"Perfect!" Julpe exclaimed gleefully.  
"Argh!" I screamed. I was wearing mint knickers, a frilly white shirt, and a pink overcoat. "This...this is from...the 1790's!" I cried in horror.  
"You're a fop!"  
I glared at her. "If this is some kind of joke..."  
"It's not! I swear!"  
"How will this help me save Christine from that scoundrel?"  
"You'll be able to observe her and then follow that man without anyone knowing it's you!"  
"They'll laugh at me!"  
Julpe produced another item; this time, a heavily decorated masquerade-style mask that a woman might wear. "Ta-da!" she proclaimed.  
"Maybe this isn't worth it..."  
"Of course it is! You don't want Christine to be disgraced, do you?"  
"Of course not!"  
"And you want to win her heart, don't you?"  
I nodded.  
"Well, then..."  
There was a knock at the door. "Raoul?" It was Philippe!  
"Julpe, how do I get out of this ridiculous outfit?"  
"Meow," she responded.  
"Julpe!"  
Philippe enter my room. "Raoul, you need to come down for break-Oh, my God..."  
I did my best to look dignified. "Good morning."  
My brother just stared at me. "I'm going to pretend I never saw this. Come for breakfast when you are dressed appropriately." He quickly exited.  
Once he had gone, I picked Julpe up by the neck and started to strangle her.  
"You stupid little feline! What's the matter with you?"  
"Ack-"  
"Answer me!"  
She clawed at my hand and I dropped her, exclaiming, "Ouch!"  
"Hmph! Silly human! Just shake your pocket watch three times."  
"Why didn't you just tell me before he came in?"  
"I wanted to see how confident you are. I have a lot of work to do with you; a fop must be confident in his abilities."  
I glared at her. "You're going to get me in a lot of trouble."  
"It'll be worth it! I promise!" she chimed. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: In which Julpe embarrasses Raoul  
  
I went to the Opera after noon, hoping to meet Christine at rehearsal. When I entered the auditorium, she was sitting secluded in a corner, with a vacant look in her eyes. As the ballet was reviewing their routine, I knew I had some time to speak with her.  
"Mademoiselle Daaé?"  
She jumped up from her seat looking horribly startled, then sighed with obvious relief when she saw me.   
"Oh, Raoul, it's only you," she breathed.  
I had had every intention of confronting her about the man in her dressing, but I lost my nerve. Besides, I didn't want our conversation overheard by all the gossips.  
"Christine, would you care to step outside for a few minutes? I would like to speak with you."  
She gave a hallow laugh, glancing around the auditorium. "Ah, but you are speaking with me now!"  
"Yes, but it would be best to take the conversation outside," I insisted.  
"Anything we say is heard in the heavens, so what does it matter if a few people on earth hear?"  
I starred at her. She was acting very strange.  
"Please, Christine...only for a moment."  
She looked around again. "I suppose..."  
I escorted her out to the Grand Foyer.  
  
"Well, Raoul, what is it? I am working, you know," she said once we reached the Foyer.  
"Christine, you see...I'm a bit concerned for your safety. Last night I heard..."  
"Raouly!" I heard a voice call from behind me. Before I could turn around, I was glomped and ended up on the floor with a young girl on my back.  
Christine blinked. "You're...acquainted?"  
The young woman got off of me and we both stood up. As I blankly starred at her, she gave Christine a warm handshake.  
She couldn't have been more than fourteen-years-old, yet her hair was such an odd color. I would have said it was a light gray, only it wasn't. It was lavender. Her manner of dress was shocking, as well. She wore a pleated skirt that came to above her knee, and a sailor suit top.   
"Dear God," I thought in horror. "Christine must think she's a prostitute! Oh, Lord...what if she is a prostitute?"  
"Um, Mademoiselle, what is your name?" I asked.  
"You know me, silly. I'm just checking up on you." She winked.  
My jaw dropped. It couldn't be. "Julpe...?!"  
"'Julpe?'" Christine repeated, uncertain.  
The young girl grinned, her amber eyes flashing. She extended her hand to Christine again, and my childhood friend again received an exuberant handshake.   
"Julperinia Nekonique," she introduced herself.  
"That's quite an unusual name..." Christine exclaimed.   
"Aw, just call me Julpe," she shrugged.  
"Julpe, go away!" I hissed.   
"I just got here! And I wanted to pretty your pretty lady friend."  
"What?" Christine demanded.  
My talking was now a human and talking to Christine...my world was falling apart!   
"How did you get like this?"  
"The tomato," she replied nonchalantly.  
I looked from Julpe to Christine. "Impossible...impossible..." I felt dizzy.  
"Raoul, are you alright? You look quite pale," Christine stated.  
"He looks seasick," Julpe commented, her eyes portraying a wicked innocence.  
"But...you're a cat...you're a cat! You're not real..."  
And I do believe I fainted. 


End file.
